Three ot of Five

  June 22, 2014

   Hello everyone, fathers day has come and gone, and the great news is out of my five
children my two sons gave me a call on father's day to wish me well and that they
where thinking of me. I guess I've not been forgotten after all.

  The next day I texted my kids to ask them how where they doing? My oldest
daughter also wished me a belated father's day, now I didn't hear from my other two
girls or get a response from them after sending a text just to say hi and that I'm
thinking of them and miss them.

  You know being a family takes a lot of time with uncertain outcomes, you can
spend a life time trying to earn their love, hoping that the little things you do will
have lasting returns. But then what is the return? Or maybe it shouldn't be about a
return at all you see, how can you really measure the positive things you put into a
family when so many negative things are kept over your head even when you find
a way to do better?

  Over the years I've learned that all I can do is to give all of the love that I can, And
not worry about whether they will ever understand it or even know how much I really
loved them or cared. Because no matter how much time I put in the only one who
will ever appreciate all the things that I've been able to do is me.

  I want be appreciated for the nights I spent crying because I'm not able to spend
time with them as much as I like too, not because I don't have enough money to do
the things I'd like to but because just spending time together doesn't have the same
value if any at all.

 I will never be the one they come to now that they have their mother and a step father
that feels he's the one that is always finding new ways to buy their love, and saying I love
you or spending the time to give advice is over rated when you can always spend money
to avoid the problems or issues.

  I will always be the one left in the dark when they have to go to the hospital or doctor
or have a medical issue that will come along just because no one really cares how I feel
and want my children to feel like I just don't care no matter what happens to them, or even
if the situation was in the reverse and I was the one that was in the hospital no one would
be concerned until it was perhaps to late.

  I used not understand why my father didn't want me to know when He was in the
hospital, or be the one that dies alone without no one knowing, or coming by just
to see if he was okay or just going to make it and live, For the first time I can understand
how he feels because I often find myself feeling the same way sometimes would I call my
kids If I where to become sick, would I want them to be angry with me because I didn't
take the time to call them to say good bye?

 I only know that at this point in my life is that I will always love them no matter what
happens to me, and whether they are surrounded around me before I leave this world or
if a tragic incident befall me and they are unable to know because I'm gone I will always
love them, and never blame them for not being able to be there to say good bye.

Fathers Day alone

  It's Sunday morning and I'm finding it hard to sleep. At first I thought it was because I worked
the night shift. I'm happy because on Saturday I put my child support check in the mail for
the first time without it having to be automatically deducted out of my paycheck.

  It's Sunday morning and after being divorced for my third year it will be another year
that I will be spending Father's Day alone. It's funny how I used to tell myself that
I need to be able to be available whenever my kids want to spend time with me.

 So I would send a text message by my cell phone and say hello, I thought if I took
the time and call in advance to schedule time to spend with my kids I wouldn't have
to argue about where I'm going with them and they need to be back by 7pm on
a Sunday night.

  It's morning and even though It's Fathers Day I've stopped hoping to get a call from
my kids to wish me a happy fathers day, or even though they know where I am living
and in the same city. I don't expect them to stop what ever they are doing to find a way
to surprise me. I guess you could say that my heart is tired of being hurt or disappointed.

  It used to bother me because I used to hear stories about father's who where dads
that just didn't care or maybe it was just an expected behavior that men are not suppose
to be emotional or spend time with their children, so when I had children of my own I
thought That I would be able to break a vicious cycle.

 What happens when you live your life for others, and not really live? what happens
when you try to spend time with your children and they are happy to spend time,But
they want to do other things, But it takes money that you don't have even when you
are paying child support. I'm reminded of what my father once said he used to tell
me all the time how he would spend his time doing things for his children and that
I didn't appreciate him enough.

  Have you ever had a father that felt he always needed to bail you out of a situation,
at first you thought it was because he loved you only to be reminded how he had to bail
you out, even when you told him how much you appreciated the help.
How about being able to solve the problem on your own, and then go to you father to
see if he would be able to approve of the choice only to sit back and watch him be
bewildered just because he didn't come up with the idea first.

  Today I told myself that I'm very proud to be a father even though I will be spending
my Father's Day alone. I decided I will no longer spend my days trying to prove to my
children how much I love them, or try to compete for their affection, even though it
hurts to sit and hope for something and then be disappointed because nothing happened.

   I told myself that I will never be bitter because my children didn't decide to spend time
with me, or feel guilty because I was not able to be around when they where growing up I
had to come to terms with the Idea that I will always love them no matter where life takes
them or me, But I can't endure hurting when there are choices that I must make in order to
live a full life and feel that I've done the best that I could.

  So to all the fathers out there spending Father's Day alone enjoy your day doing
something just for you, And live life to the fullest by enjoying every moment to my
children I will always love you and thanks for teaching me how to spend my
father's day alone.

The Letter

 It's June 6, 2014

  It's been a week now since I started my new job after going from job to job trying to find
something that would allow me to take care of my child support  that I would gladly pay
without being made to do it by the court. but then I guess I have to thank all the dead
beat fathers before me that helped along the way, But then who am I to judge all those
guys that are doing what they are suppose to do.

  The thing is you will never hear their stories or even if it matters to them that the
world knows that they are giving their all. I see them every time I get to spend time
with my own children, But even though it's been just a few weeks ago after a year of not
being able to spend time with them. I'm glad now that I will be able to take of them.

  I used feel that telling them I love you and spending time with them would be enough to
make them feel and show how much I cared but end the end someone once tolded me that
love was an action word, in other words It's meaning could only be defined by child
support, or being asked to buy something everytime I get to spend quality time with my
children at the risk of not taking care of my own basic needs.

  It's funny how all of my life I wanted someone that I could love a lifetime,and have
children while growing old and enjoy my children and if i was lucky even get to watch
them grow along with my grandchildren.  So I was given three girls,two boys, and a wife
that lasted only twenty one years and ended in divorce when she left me for another man
and took our children along with her.

  It was the first time after two years that I took the time to change my profile and visit a
couple of sites along the way, though I've never really been the type to spend my time
checking out dating sites online or chatting as they call it in today's time. I had decided
after spending my weekends going out just to enjoy dancing, or setting myself up for a
one night stand that I would check out two the first site made me annoyed because all
they wanted from me is fees that come with ever dating site after getting a free trial and
that was before they came out with christian dating site, but even then same issues a one
night stand at least until I sent a letter.

  It was the first time that I sat down to send a letter, there where a lot of things that where
on my mind, but as I sat down and begin to write I remember the things that I loved to do.
In the letter I wrote How I enjoyed spending a quite evening at home, taking walke in the
park and enjoying the classics like a play or an old movie. I also remembered how much
I needed someone that I could create a love with,and at the same time give and create that
same kind of love along with a family and trust.

 It was just a few days later when she sent responce to my letter, along with a lot of women
and though I love woman, I've always wanted to find that one woman that can be all women
in just one so that I could spend the rest of my life with her and her alone. maybe it was the
way that her words reached into a heart that was wounded,jaded, or just broken. But her
letter had awakened something in me that I had lost and burried, hoping never to find it
again until her letter.



 

Courage To Love

 
  Today,

I was listening to http://youtu.be/jQXh2afJRE0 one of my favorite music group Boyz2men .
It's been ten years since I've been divorced from my wife and I asked myself why did it
take me so long to start a relationship again maybe it was because I was taught to believe
in only being married once and if It didn't work out you just couldn't get married
again.

  Perhaps it was the need to not disappoint my children from my first marriage, because
they where to young to understand that it's okay for a mother to move on, But for a
father to move on is not suppose to happen at least until they realize that fathers get
lonely too. 

  There is always a double standard when people are in relationships, It takes trust
to know that whether you are a man or a woman. You where created to love and be loved
by someone special. It's funny when you give your heart to someone hoping that they
would cherish it and not break it along the way, or treat it as something that can be
disposable or replaced with something or someone that you feel or think would treat it
better.

  The truth is that the heart is unpredictable when it comes to love and since it seems
always the quest to know the heart of someone you love it can never be fully known
unless it is surrendered willingly by the person who has the courage to give his or her
heart to the one they love and not worry about the out come whether the one they
love stays with them a life time or leave.