Three ot of Five

  June 22, 2014

   Hello everyone, fathers day has come and gone, and the great news is out of my five
children my two sons gave me a call on father's day to wish me well and that they
where thinking of me. I guess I've not been forgotten after all.

  The next day I texted my kids to ask them how where they doing? My oldest
daughter also wished me a belated father's day, now I didn't hear from my other two
girls or get a response from them after sending a text just to say hi and that I'm
thinking of them and miss them.

  You know being a family takes a lot of time with uncertain outcomes, you can
spend a life time trying to earn their love, hoping that the little things you do will
have lasting returns. But then what is the return? Or maybe it shouldn't be about a
return at all you see, how can you really measure the positive things you put into a
family when so many negative things are kept over your head even when you find
a way to do better?

  Over the years I've learned that all I can do is to give all of the love that I can, And
not worry about whether they will ever understand it or even know how much I really
loved them or cared. Because no matter how much time I put in the only one who
will ever appreciate all the things that I've been able to do is me.

  I want be appreciated for the nights I spent crying because I'm not able to spend
time with them as much as I like too, not because I don't have enough money to do
the things I'd like to but because just spending time together doesn't have the same
value if any at all.

 I will never be the one they come to now that they have their mother and a step father
that feels he's the one that is always finding new ways to buy their love, and saying I love
you or spending the time to give advice is over rated when you can always spend money
to avoid the problems or issues.

  I will always be the one left in the dark when they have to go to the hospital or doctor
or have a medical issue that will come along just because no one really cares how I feel
and want my children to feel like I just don't care no matter what happens to them, or even
if the situation was in the reverse and I was the one that was in the hospital no one would
be concerned until it was perhaps to late.

  I used not understand why my father didn't want me to know when He was in the
hospital, or be the one that dies alone without no one knowing, or coming by just
to see if he was okay or just going to make it and live, For the first time I can understand
how he feels because I often find myself feeling the same way sometimes would I call my
kids If I where to become sick, would I want them to be angry with me because I didn't
take the time to call them to say good bye?

 I only know that at this point in my life is that I will always love them no matter what
happens to me, and whether they are surrounded around me before I leave this world or
if a tragic incident befall me and they are unable to know because I'm gone I will always
love them, and never blame them for not being able to be there to say good bye.