Fathers Day alone

  It's Sunday morning and I'm finding it hard to sleep. At first I thought it was because I worked
the night shift. I'm happy because on Saturday I put my child support check in the mail for
the first time without it having to be automatically deducted out of my paycheck.

  It's Sunday morning and after being divorced for my third year it will be another year
that I will be spending Father's Day alone. It's funny how I used to tell myself that
I need to be able to be available whenever my kids want to spend time with me.

 So I would send a text message by my cell phone and say hello, I thought if I took
the time and call in advance to schedule time to spend with my kids I wouldn't have
to argue about where I'm going with them and they need to be back by 7pm on
a Sunday night.

  It's morning and even though It's Fathers Day I've stopped hoping to get a call from
my kids to wish me a happy fathers day, or even though they know where I am living
and in the same city. I don't expect them to stop what ever they are doing to find a way
to surprise me. I guess you could say that my heart is tired of being hurt or disappointed.

  It used to bother me because I used to hear stories about father's who where dads
that just didn't care or maybe it was just an expected behavior that men are not suppose
to be emotional or spend time with their children, so when I had children of my own I
thought That I would be able to break a vicious cycle.

 What happens when you live your life for others, and not really live? what happens
when you try to spend time with your children and they are happy to spend time,But
they want to do other things, But it takes money that you don't have even when you
are paying child support. I'm reminded of what my father once said he used to tell
me all the time how he would spend his time doing things for his children and that
I didn't appreciate him enough.

  Have you ever had a father that felt he always needed to bail you out of a situation,
at first you thought it was because he loved you only to be reminded how he had to bail
you out, even when you told him how much you appreciated the help.
How about being able to solve the problem on your own, and then go to you father to
see if he would be able to approve of the choice only to sit back and watch him be
bewildered just because he didn't come up with the idea first.

  Today I told myself that I'm very proud to be a father even though I will be spending
my Father's Day alone. I decided I will no longer spend my days trying to prove to my
children how much I love them, or try to compete for their affection, even though it
hurts to sit and hope for something and then be disappointed because nothing happened.

   I told myself that I will never be bitter because my children didn't decide to spend time
with me, or feel guilty because I was not able to be around when they where growing up I
had to come to terms with the Idea that I will always love them no matter where life takes
them or me, But I can't endure hurting when there are choices that I must make in order to
live a full life and feel that I've done the best that I could.

  So to all the fathers out there spending Father's Day alone enjoy your day doing
something just for you, And live life to the fullest by enjoying every moment to my
children I will always love you and thanks for teaching me how to spend my
father's day alone.